The universe of the other

Pope Benedict recently gave an address to the John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and the Family. It is absolutely beautiful! So I am excerpting a part of it here, hoping it will get you to read the whole thing. Though I must say it is hard to not just quote all of it! ;)

The body speaks to us of an origin that we did not confer on ourselves. “You knit me together in my mother’s womb,” the Psalmist of the Lord says (Psalm 139:13). We can say that the body, in revealing the Origin to us, bears in itself a filial meaning, because it reminds us of our generation, that derives, through our parents who transmitted life to us, from God the Creator. Only when he recognizes the originary love that gave him life, can man accept himself, can he reconcile himself with nature and the world. Following that of Adam is the creation of Eve. The flesh, received from God, is called to render possible the union of love between man and woman and to transmit life. The bodies of Adam and Eve, before the Fall, appear in perfect harmony. There is a language in them that they did not create, an eros rooted in their nature, that invites them mutually to receive themselves from the Creator, to be able thus to give themselves.

So, we understand that in love man is “re-created.” “Incipit vita nova,” Dante said (“Vita Nuova I, 1) -- “the new life begins” -- the life of the new union of the two in one flesh. The true appeal of sexuality is born from the greatness of this horizon that discloses integral beauty, the universe of the other person and the “we” that is born in the union, the promise of the communion that is hidden there, the new fruitfulness, the path that love opens to God, font of love. The union of one flesh is thus made a union for life so that man and woman also become one spirit. In this way a path is opened in which the body teaches us the value of time, of the slow maturation in love. In this light the virtue of chastity receives a new meaning. It is not a “no” to pleasures and to the joy of life, but the great “yes” to love as profound communication between persons, that requires time and respect, as a journey together toward fullness and as love that becomes able to generate life and generously welcome the new life that is born.

This is just a small taste of the richness of what our Papa Benedetto has said. So go on already and read the whole thing! You won't be disappointed. It is truly a profound and thought-provoking reflection on the goodness and beauty with which our bodies -- with which we ourselves-- have been made, and the meaning it then gives to being human. Deo gratias! There is much to chew on here. I'd love to hear which parts particularly struck you, so feel free to comment! :)

Diving into Freedom

I just stumbled across this absolutely wonderful reflection from the Sisters of Life, and I would like to share it with all of you! Please feel free to pass it along to others, its message is so badly needed in this day and age.

An excerpt:

You are made in the image and likeness of God, springing forth from the heart of the Trinity. You are made in the image of Christ. You reflect a unique aspect of the FACE of GOD that no one before you or after you will ever bear. You are unrepeatable, precious, and sacred. God loved and willed you into existence, and it is His personal, intimate, passionate love for you right now, that is holding you in being. If God stopped loving you for a split nanosecond, not only would you cease to exist, but it would be as if you never were. Our hearts were created by God and for God, and nothing less than the Infinite One can satisfy us. Only friendship with God can satisfy the deepest longings for freedom and love in our hearts.

Read the whole thing here!

I can't take it in. (It couldn't be anymore beautiful.)

So.....yes, I know it's been months since last I posted. :/ I've just gotten busy, and yes, a lot has happened. Switchfoot concert, school (which, btw, is more than halfway through 1st semester already), so many feast days, my 20th birthday, the list goes on.... sigh.

Anyway, my apologies, I do have a very long post for you today, consisting entirely of writing. :P

I wrote it in the wee hours of the morning on Saturday, which I guess is still today, lol. I first posted it on Facebook, so for those of you who'd rather comment there, feel free. :) Thank you to everyone who has already commented there. Here goes....
_________________________

I want to live.

I mean live.

I am so tired of most of my dearest friends being so far away from me, with the only means of contact being chiefly the computer I am currently writing on. Yes, there are physical letters and phone calls, a step in the right direction, to be sure...and perhaps if I were more faithful in my letter-writing (ahem) I would find more solace in their tangibility, as with hearing your sweet voices.

But I am so tired of not living.

I want to love my friends (and family) in the here and now, in flesh and blood, with eyes to look into, hands to hold, voices to hear, presences to surround me.

I want to... get physical. Seriously - I want to get off this accursed machine and live life out in God's glorious Creation, so why does He have to keep blessing me so darn much with the internet? As much as it can be a problem....I have been so, so blessed through it. And even that is an understatement. Words could not even begin to express all that has been given me through this strange thing called the Internet. I have grown by leaps and bounds, I have become more me, I have laughed, loved, cried, learned, pondered...

So much music. So much that I have read, and grown by. So many friends!! And practically all I know (and love) about my Faith. I could go on forever. In so many ways, this truly is a miracle. And yet....

Curse it all, I want to live! I want to get my hands dirty in the wet spring earth, like Mary, Colin, and Dickon in the garden. I want to sew and sew all the clothes I drool over, feeling all the lush fabrics run through my fingers. I want to feel bread dough between my fingers, sticky-soft, while I knead, push, pull. I want to feel grass beneath my feet. Wind in my hair. I want to feel the rain on my skin, snow on my tongue. I want to feel fire's flickering heat. I want to marvel at rainbows and moonbows, to gaze up at the starry night sky. I want to dwell in blessed solitude, I want to dwell in communion with humanity. I want to be flesh and blood, because that is what I am. A flesh-and-blood, heart-and-soul human being. And I want to live. I want to be vibrantly, painfully alive.

I am tired of feeling apathetic and numb to things I should care about. I want to feel deeply. I want to look upon my Lord on the Cross, and weep. I want to be profoundly moved at Holy Mass; I want to be simply graced at Holy Mass. I want to love even when I don't feel.

I want to bless each and every thing.

I want a flesh and blood man to love, a man of God who will cherish me for all his days, and lay down his life for me. I want to be his soulmate and his helpmate, and he mine.

I want to labor in all the earthy physicality of bearing children, of giving birth to new life. I want to scream in agony and then experience the euphoria of holding my baby in my arms for the first time, forgetting any pain.

I want to journey through the precious, most beautiful, most noble task that is teaching Truth to new human beings. Of passing on the beauty of life to my children. Of teaching them to love and serve God.

I want to exult in all that is the messy, beautiful, glorious, painful thing we call Life.

I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to sing. I want to dance. I want to write. I want to create. I want to pray. I want to love.

I want to live.

How can I divorce myself from all the queer artificiality that is this online world that has nevertheless enriched me so much? I will never be able to bring all my friends together in one place. Sometimes I feel so confused and conflicted....

And yet, for all this longing for Life, I know in my heart I will never receive it fully. Not yet. Not in this life.

And that....that is perhaps the bitterest chalice for me to drink from. For I long for nothing less than to be fully aware of life while I am living it. But as human beings, fallen, broken, imperfect, incomplete -- we cannot yet have this. Only in glimpses, tantalizing flashes, the briefest of tastes.

And I weep.

Essentially, I am longing for Heaven, for complete and utter communion, union, and life with and in God. I long to dwell in the Eternal Present with God.

We cannot be so aware all the time. It is humanly impossible. And I am learning to accept this. That all I long for, all that I have said, and all that I have not said here, is only to be found in its completion in the next life, when at last we will begin to fully live. "I don't belong here..." I am learning to drink to the dregs this bitter cup of Not Yet.

"God is at home," says Meister Eckhart, "We are in the far country."

From Thornton Wilder's play 'Our Town':

Emily: Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it -- every, every minute?

Stage Manager: No.

Saints and poets, maybe -- they do some.

My mother says it is the poet in me - the artist - that experiences those moments where I feel removed from whatever is happening, almost as if I were "watching" it, but not quite...I am still there, in the moment, but my awareness is elsewhere....it is my human limitations that prevent me from being both in that elsewhere, observing and seeing it in the context of Time, etc, but also being fully in the moment, living it...

I have encountered confusion from some people when I say things like "Every joyful moment is bittersweet."

But it is. Every joy, every beauty, is bittersweet.

Sweet, for obvious reasons.

Bitter, because it will end, and not return. Time, that horrid Thief, the clock keeps ticking...yet it is that same Time that gives the urgency to our lives. It will not last. "Life is short. Like a gunshot, and it's over. Live it well."

I am reminded specifically of choir concerts in high school -- how it was thrilling and wondrous to be in the moment, singing those glorious songs, to be "one" -- if but for a little while. Yet, once that concert was over, that moment could never come back. That time had passed. It was gone. It cannot be repeated. Bitter, and sweet, at the same time.

That is how I experience every joy. With the confounded awareness of how fleeting it all is.

And then, just as quickly as I enter that stream of awareness, I slip back into taking it all for granted again.

"They do some."

Sometimes I really hate it, as it prevents me from ever feeling just in the moment without going off into Elsewhere Awareness of the moment. It is a gift, but I must learn how to "wield" it. I need to learn how to channel it properly, so that it does not take away from life's dear moments, but only enriches my life. Oh, God, how can I temper this??

Ahhhh, life is truly bittersweet! I rejoice to know that "Nothing of what is is lost. It is not lost to God, nor to us."

And so, part of being gifted with this poet's soul are these little glimpses into truly living, of being truly aware. Of all the pain, and all the beauty, of all the terrible brevity of life on earth. I have moments where I feel connected to all that lives, to God within and without...and then, it is gone. Oh, must You torment me so? What a cross to bear.

And not just to bear, but to be crucified with.

More and more, I am seeing that God is guiding me to trust in Him, to release my attachments to the earthly things I love, that while good and worthy, are not the Ultimate Good, and will not last, nor could they ever be my Anchor in such a chaotic world. And so He wrests from my embrace dear friends, beloved animal family members, beloved teachers.....and not without kicking and screaming and crying on my part. What will it take for me to trust in You, and You alone? Oh, how far I have to go...

Emily:

I can't. I can't go on. It goes so fast. We don't have time to look at one another.

I didn't realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed. Take me back---up the hill---to my grave. But first: Wait! One more look.

Good-bye, Good-bye world. Good-bye, Grover's Corners ... Mama and Papa. Good-bye to clocks ticking ... and Mama's sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new-ironed dresses and hot baths ... and sleeping and waking up. Oh, Earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you!

Oh, God, that just hurts for me to read, and makes me want to cry. An exquisite sort of pain that both wounds and heals.

I have already written about this before, using these same Our Town quotes. I keep coming back to this in my heart. Over and over again. Will it always be so?

I am still learning. I am still growing. I am still fighting - both against all that keeps me from God, and even, in my sinfulness, against God Himself. I am a mixture of light and dark. I am a seed in the dark earth fighting her way to the light, yearning to unfurl her leaves and blossom. I am a caterpillar stuck in her chrysalis, waiting, waiting, waiting for when she will be ready to burst forth with wet wings, ready to fly. I am a baby in darkened womb, growing, becoming, totally unaware of how, when I get too big for that space, I will have to go through a painful birth into the light...

In spite of the fact that I will never attain to all that I long for in this life, no matter that it will always come intermittently, and has to be learned, cultivated: I will live. With baby steps, unsure and wobbly, I will learn to walk into my Father's arms. I will learn to let Him carry me, and not have to "do it all myself." I will trust - and not worry myself to literal death. I will bury my face in my Mother's sweet, starry Mantle, and hear her Heart beat the rhythm of love to me...the same melody that sounds from my Beloved's Sacred Heart, the Song of salvation. I will learn to let Him kiss me, to let Him love me, and not run away like some frightened creature. No - He is Love itself, what have I to fear? The utter assimilation of all that I am into Himself? Of being nailed to the Cross with Him, dying? -- but then rising with Him to all life and light? Oh, fickle heart of mine, when will you learn to love?!

I will do all I can to live. I will live in graced moments. I will praise God in times of sorrow and times of joy. I will adore Him in each season. I will take baby steps to living out the theology of the body in my each and every day - in relation to other human beings, to the Earth, and to my God. To live and love in my body and in my soul.

I will learn to unite my eros with God's agape, and thus love with a fuller love than either alone could be for me, to love with a love akin to God's passionate selfless love.

First, there is a certain relationship between love and the Divine: love promises infinity, eternity—a reality far greater and totally other than our everyday existence. Yet we have also seen that the way to attain this goal is not simply by submitting to instinct. Purification and growth in maturity are called for; and these also pass through the path of renunciation. Far from rejecting or “poisoning” eros, they heal it and restore its true grandeur.

This is due first and foremost to the fact that man is a being made up of body and soul. Man is truly himself when his body and soul are intimately united; the challenge of eros can be said to be truly overcome when this unification is achieved. Should he aspire to be pure spirit and to reject the flesh as pertaining to his animal nature alone, then spirit and body would both lose their dignity. On the other hand, should he deny the spirit and consider matter, the body, as the only reality, he would likewise lose his greatness. The epicure Gassendi used to offer Descartes the humorous greeting: “O Soul!” And Descartes would reply: “O Flesh!”. Yet it is neither the spirit alone nor the body alone that loves: it is man, the person, a unified creature composed of body and soul, who loves. Only when both dimensions are truly united, does man attain his full stature. Only thus is love —eros—able to mature and attain its authentic grandeur.

-- from Pope Benedict's encyclical, Deus Caritas Est

I will learn to let go ("Daisy, let it go..." ) all of the passing things of this life, no matter how lovely. And then I will finally be able to truly appreciate them.

And so, too, as regards this world, with all its enjoyments, yet disappointments. Let us not trust it; let us not give our hearts to it; let us not begin with it. Let us begin with faith; let us begin with Christ; let us begin with His Cross and the humiliation to which it leads. Let us first be drawn to Him who is lifted up, that so He may, with Himself, freely give us all things. Let us “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,” and then all those things of this world “will be added to us.” They alone are able truly to enjoy this world, who begin with the world unseen. They alone enjoy it, who have first abstained from it. They alone can truly feast, who have first fasted; they alone are able to use the world, who have learned not to abuse it; they alone inherit it, who take it as a shadow of the world to come, and who for that world to come relinquish it.

--- Blessed John Henry Cardinal Newman

I will learn to not loathe myself for all my shortcomings, to not look upon myself with hatred for all my failings, sins, and weaknesses. I will learn to rush to the fount of God's mercy. I will learn to pick myself up off the floor, or at least start to and let Him lift me. I will learn to let the fire of His love burn away all the dross from my soul. I will learn to let Him rip my dragon-scales off me. I will learn to let Him, Lion of Judah, lick me clean.

My task is learning how to live. And learning how to die. If we learn how to die, we learn how to live.

I want to burn out bright. I want to suck all the marrow out of life. I want to reach my deathbed with every drop of life and love poured out of me. Oh, God, I want to love! I want to live. And so teach me to die with You. Hide me in Your wounds.

Guide me on the way of love. Let me not run from love any longer, and all it asks of me - self-denial, temperance, trust, courage, sacrifice, self-donation.

I want to love. I want to live.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken," said C.S. Lewis.

And so I set about preparing the ground of my soul to be (not so easily) broken, that love may grow and take root there.

Life is so short, live it well. I ask you to join me, as we step into the great Unknown and live life, as much as we can, in all our flesh-and-blood-and-heart-and-soul-ness. I refuse to be swept away by the floods of Nothingness and No-thing. I will dare to dwell in the mystery and the darkness and the pain and light-haunted shadows, and dare to dance all aflame with God's love in the vibrant and colorful, mere shadows-of-the-world-to-come, exhilarating, aching, weary, quiet, loud, everyday, ordinary, extraordinary Life.



Wow...

This commercial made me cry. Watch and see.

Each life is irreplaceable

I came across this today... so true, so true. May we all stop and think about what is being said when the "dangers" of "overpopulation" are touted. Overpopulation, my foot. Europe is dying (case in point: pregnant women in northern Italy are now going to be offered money to not have an abortion.), and the rest of the planet is not far behind. All people are of great worth and value. Tell me, who are you going to go up to and say "You don't deserve to live." ????


Of course, it's the girls, the unborn, the disabled, the elderly, the poor....

To repeat in each of us

Christ Himself vouchsafes to repeat in each of us in figure and mystery all that He did and suffered in the flesh. He is formed in us, born in us, suffers in us, rises again in us, lives in us; and this not by a succession of events, but all at once: for He comes to us as a Spirit, all dying, all rising again, all living. We are ever receiving our birth, our justification, our renewal, ever dying to sin, ever rising to righteousness.

John Henry Cardinal Newman, From the sermon ‘Righteousness not of us, but in us’ (1840) Click here for the full text

He is risen from the dead!

I got this in my inbox this Easter morn, I pray you let me share it with you. :) Easter joy and blessings upon you all! Remember, Eastertide is 50 whole days, so don't stop the celebrating just yet. ^_^

Let us never forget that in proportion as our love is “rooted and grounded” in the next world, our faith must branch forth like a fruitful tree into this. The calmer our hearts, the more active be our lives; the more tranquil we are, the more busy; the more resigned, the more zealous; the more unruffled, the more fervent. This is one of the many paradoxes in the world’s judgment of him, which the Christian realizes in himself. Christ is risen; He is risen from the dead. We may well cry out, "Alleluia, the Lord Omnipotent reigneth." He has crushed all the power of the enemy under His feet. He has gone upon the lion and the adder. He has stopped the lion’s mouth for us His people, and has bruised the serpent’s head. There is nothing impossible to us now, if we do but enter into the fulness of our privileges, the wondrous power of our gifts. The thing cannot be named in heaven or earth within the limits of truth and obedience which we cannot do through Christ; the petition cannot be named which may not be accorded to us for His Name’s sake. For, we who have risen with Him from the grave, stand in His might, and are allowed to use His weapons. His infinite influence with the Father is ours,—not always to use, for perhaps in this or that effort we make, or petition we prefer, it would not be good for us; but so far ours, so fully ours, that when we ask and do things according to His will, we are really possessed of a power with God, and do prevail:—so that little as we may know when and when not, we are continually possessed of heavenly weapons, we are continually touching the springs of the most wonderful providences in heaven and earth; and by the Name, and the Sign, and the Blood of the Son of God, we are able to make devils tremble and Saints rejoice.

Such are the arms which faith uses, small in appearance, yet “not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds;” [2 Cor. 10:4] despised by the world, what seems a mere word, or a mere symbol, or mere bread and wine; but God has chosen the weak things of the world to confound the mighty, and foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and as all things spring from small beginnings, from seeds and elements invisible or insignificant, so when God would renew the race of man, and reverse the course of human life and earthly affairs, He chose cheap things for the rudiments of His work, and bade us believe that He could work through them, and He would do so. As then we Christians discern in Him, when He came on earth, not the carpenter’s son, but the Eternal Word Incarnate, as we see beauty in Him in whom the world saw no form or comeliness, as we discern in that death an Atonement for sin in which the world saw nothing but a malefactor’s sentence; so let us believe with full persuasion that all that He has bequeathed to us has power from Him. Let us accept His Ordinances, and His Creed, and His precepts; and let us stand upright with an undaunted faith, resolute, with faces like flint, to serve Him in and through them; to inflict them upon the world without misgiving, without wavering, without anxiety; being sure that He who saved us from hell through a Body of flesh which the world insulted, tortured, and triumphed over, much more can now apply the benefits of His passion through Ordinances which the world has lacerated and now mocks.

~ John Henry Cardinal Newman, from the sermon ‘Keeping Fast and Festival’ (1838) Click here to see the full text

Now I'm finally where I belong

I am in the process of telling a new friend of mine my conversion story. Well, as much of it as I feel comfortable telling. :P I’ve already warned her how long and rambly and involved and intricate and winding it is, and how it will take me forever to tell it to her. So I edit. ;) But in all seriousness, I know I could most likely write an entire book on my “story.” In fact, it would be more like a memoir or autobiography than just a book telling my conversion, as this involves my entire life. Indeed, yes, one could say my whole life thus far has been leading up to my entry into the Holy Catholic Church, and afterwards, going ever deeper.

This is why the Protestant notion of a single “moment” of conversion or salvation (ie: being “saved”) is so erroneous. Conversion simply cannot be relegated to a single moment! That’s ridiculous. Conversion takes an entire life. It is an entire life. To constantly refocus, realign one’s life with God’s will, to always be getting back up after stumbling, always seeking out the light in the darkness, always absorbing and seeking out a deeper understanding of the Christian Mysteries, of the Faith. Always going deeper and deeper into the Heart of Love – Christ’s Heart.

Reading that may come as a surprise to a few of the people I know occasionally visit this blog-in-forming. They have no inkling I’m a convert whatsoever. I don’t exactly advertise the fact, and sometimes I’ve even felt rather embarrassed or ashamed of it. Which is ridiculous. I know it is. I have no reason to feel that way. I shouldn’t feel that way sometimes. But I do. More on that later…

Others will only be semi-surprised, having been told of me being a convert many moons ago and having since more-or-less forgotten.

And still others will find this as no surprise at all, with my conversion being very out in the open with them. :)

Why do I sometimes feel almost ashamed to be a convert? Is it because that sometimes I let myself think that being a convert and not a “cradle Catholic” somehow makes me less Catholic? Is it because I fear what others may think – that I will not be devoted to my Faith, not care, know next to nothing, don’t belong here – something?? Is it because I really don’t feel like launching into the discussion of the how’s and why’s and when’s of my conversion?

Ohhhhhhhh….how stupid! How silly! I have NO REASON to think those things. I should be proud, even. I made a conscious choice – to enter the Catholic Church. After what I’ve sometimes seen called the “emotional conversion” came my “intellectual conversion” – I studied, I read, read, read, I researched, I did so much research online of even ‘little’ things. I wanted to know all I could about even just the basic things. I wanted to understand as best I could all the Catholic doctrines and dogmas I would have to accept. “Have to” – sounds like being forced, but I wasn’t. They all make sense to me.

I should feel honored and blessed – as I do – for being a convert. I have come home! “This is home, now I’m finally where I belong…” I sing. As I have been told by others, I am in some ways lucky, because I will never take my Faith for granted now that I have it. I know what it’s like not to have it.

Being Catholic now is as much a part of me as … as being me. :P

Rachel is Catholic. It is part and parcel of my identity now. I would be woefully lost and adrift without it. I don’t even want to think about that. “There, but for the grace of God, go I.”

So, yes. I am a convert. My “emotional” conversion was throughout all my life, really, but more-or-less “happened” in the beginning of 2006. Then throughout the rest of 2006 and into 2007 was the majority of my basic “intellectual conversion.” And since then has been the ever-deepening, ever-growing, ever-learning journey of my Catholic life. Just when I think I can go no deeper, God surprises me. And so it will always be. (Thank God!) :)

We are miracles

Dear God, how beautiful and amazing life is!

To think - I could carry one of these new little human beings inside me, help them to grow.... just the thought of it always stuns and moves me. ♥




♫ And I've got my heart set on what happens next,
I've got my eyes wide, it's not over yet.
We are miracles, and we're not alone. ♫