Grief.

It's been a little more than a week, now, since I learned of Catriona's death. It's not been easy. I haven't cried every day, since I have been trying not to think of her all the time. I know if I did, I'd just start crying again. Last night, earlier today, and a few other nights, though...I have cried a lot. Cried myself to sleep, even. It just hurts. A lot. Not much can be done about that. I would say a few more things about her, about it all, but not right now. I don't feel like crying again right now. sigh.

Maybe later I will.

It just hurts. I miss her so much. And as soon as I wrote that, tears well up...

sigh again.

Thank you for your kind words, and for caring. Your love is as a balm to my wounds. Please keep me and my family in your prayers, still, as we continue to heal and to grieve.

A hole in my heart

Well, I'm home now. I'm glad to be home.
But...

there is a hole in my heart now.

You see, when I got home, I was sat down and gently told that one of our cats had to be put down a week ago.




They didn't tell me right away because they didn't want to distract me from my finals or ruin my end-of-the-year fun last week. My parents were right in not telling me until I got home. I would have been a wreck otherwise, unable to do much of anything, enjoy anything, or find motivation to study or finish that paper.

But ....omg.

I've already cried and cried and cried. No, it's not Wayne, who was very sick earlier this year. This one was completely unexpected. It's Catriona.


Catriona. She had seemed ill, so Daddy took her to the vet. Who told us that he was 98% sure she had a disease, I forget its name, but it's usually inherited at birth, and won't show (if it does) for 6 or so years. And it's fatal. There's no cure.

Catriona was a little more than 6 years old, about.

Oh, my baby, my beautiful baby girl..........!!!!

They had to put her down then because the vet said it was highly likely she could die while my parents were away in Chicago, packing me up to come home. Plus, she would suffer needlessly.


My heart hurts. Oh, my heart hurts. When I say I'm crying right now, I am not kidding. This is literally a nightmare come true. I've had dreams where we've lost one or more of the cats, and more than once I've woken up with my face wet from crying in my sleep.

Only this time, I am awake. And it is not a dream.

Though I keep expecting to see her walk down the hallway, or jump on the kitchen stool, to see her on the sofa, anywhere...somewhere.................how can this be real???


Silver has lost his best friend.

Our little Roly-Poly Girl is gone. (She would roll over on her back when she happy.)

She chirped at the birds out the window the most. No more will I hear that.

No more will I hear her sweet little voice when she meowed, her loud purrs, or do her little "trick" (stand up on her hind legs and jump a little)....

No more will I see her warming herself under a lamp in the living room, or in the sunlight.

No more will she bang open a door to "let" herself in, as if to say "I am HERE." Oh, you funny girl...

No more will I hear her funny-and-annoying, loud, she-demon-cat growl when she felt her "bubble" had been intruded upon.

No more petting her silky soft fur, holding her itty-bitty paws...

No more having her eagerly ask to be brushed if she saw the brush be gotten out.

No more little "conversations" with her...

Oh, my God! Why? Why?

For all the wonderful things this past school year has brought, it sure has been a painful one, too. So many things lost...

And now, my sweet little kitty girl! Oh, these tears are bitter indeed. And these words are so inadequate. So inadequate.

I know Jesus and Mary are delighting in you, little girl. I love you and miss you so much, my beautiful baby kitty girl, Catriona. I wish I could at least have said good-bye and hugged you and told you I loved you one last time. It hurts so much that I didn't get to. But I know you know I love you, and that Daddy and Mama do, too. Give Corie and Lloyd my love for me.

I love you forever. And I will miss you so, so much. <3

Lady Catriona Marie Velvet Grey

August 2003- May 4th, 2010

"Nothing of what is is lost. It is not lost to God, nor to us."

~ from the book Grieving With Grace (quote found online by me several months ago)

Back home again!

Deo gratias! - Thanks be to God!

Our little Wayne has improved enough that he was able to come home today! (Well, technically yesterday, meaning Saturday, as I am writing this at 1am on Sunday, lol.)

It seems all the prayers I gathered from friends and family, and those I asked of our friends in Heaven, had the good effect hoped for! Indeed, prayer does more good than we shall ever know.

Lord, thank you for this mercy. Thank you for this profound grace. I pray you grant Wayne a speedy further healing, as he continues to recover from what could have been his fatal illness. Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you!

To Our Lady, Sts. Francis and Clare, St. Martin de Porres, St. Thérèse, St. Brigid, Bl. Kateri, St. Gertude, and St. Jude -- thank you, thank you for your prayers for our Wayne! I know they did him such good! And thank you, too, dear Michael. :) And all ye holy angels, for guarding him.

And thank you to any of you who may be reading this who also prayed for Wayne's healing. I ask you to please continue praying for our kitty as he is still very ill, but out of immediate danger. My mother and father will have to keep a close eye on him for a good deal of time, as he recovers. Pray that he heals quickly and that whatever pain he has will lessen and fade also quickly.

Thank you again, all of you!

Again, thank you, my God, for this mercy! This incident has only served to illustrate how we carelessly, not meaning to, take loved ones for granted. I pray I grow in awareness from now on and cherish the time I have with my "furry-purry" family members. They mean so much to me. <3

I hate not knowing what will happen

....and so I wait. And so we wait, my parents and I.


Does he recover and live? God, he's not quite 6 years old! Still a young kitty....

Or does he succumb to this sickness and die, leaving us here bereft and weeping?

Oh my darling Wayne, how I love you.

I know in my heart that I would see him again, that in Heaven, God catches up all His creatures in His loving embrace, and delights in them. He forgets not the least sparrow...

But not yet! No, not yet. How can God want Wayne back? What would Nicholas do?? They are best friends, and I know some cats and other animals grieve so extremely they stop eating....they starve themselves....

Come to think of it, some people do that sort of thing, too. sigh.



Does this post remain just my fears and desperate pleas?

Or does it become one of nightmare made real, a post "in loving memory of..." with more bitter tears streaming down my face?

Oh, God, please! I know this is so small a thing, in comparison with other things, other prayers. My loss would be so slight compared with say, the cross that Haiti now bears....

but still I ask. Still I plead. Still I weep and hurt, all my insides twisting with fear and dread....

and here I am, so far from home.

Keep my little Wayne in your arms, sweet Mary, our Mother. Mother of all things, I know you do not spurn my prayers or tears. Instead, you weep with me. Please, please pray for my baby Wayne. I entrust him into your care, along with the loving intercession also of Sts. Francis and Clare of Assisi, St. Martin de Porres, St. Thérèse of Lisieux, Bl. Kateri Tekakwitha, St. Brigid of Kildare, St. Gertrude and St. Jude. And yes, Michael - who loved animals so dearly, please pray. All ye holy angels of God - please, spare a prayer for my Wayne.

Sacred Heart of Jesus, despise not my pleas! Look with mercy on us, my family and me, and grant healing to Wayne, a beloved member of our family since we took him in August of 2004.

Amen.

As so freaking hard as it is for me to say this: Thy will be done.


I love you forever, my little Waynie-pooh. No matter what.

This is Wayne as a kitten, on the very first day we brought him home in 2004. He was exploring the house, and here we caught him talking about it all. He has since grown into a big boy and is still very vocal.

(l-r) Wayne and Nicholas, best buddies. This was before Nicholas grew a large fluffy "mane" around his neck, apparently, so Nicholas is still somewhat a kitten.

Wayne over Christmas break, looking cute in a funny position while he sleeps.