To fall in love with God is the greatest of all romances;
to seek Him, the greatest adventure;
to find Him, the greatest human achievement.

Saint Augustine

Thursday, May 13, 2010

A hole in my heart

Well, I'm home now. I'm glad to be home.

there is a hole in my heart now.

You see, when I got home, I was sat down and gently told that one of our cats had to be put down a week ago.

They didn't tell me right away because they didn't want to distract me from my finals or ruin my end-of-the-year fun last week. My parents were right in not telling me until I got home. I would have been a wreck otherwise, unable to do much of anything, enjoy anything, or find motivation to study or finish that paper.

But ....omg.

I've already cried and cried and cried. No, it's not Wayne, who was very sick earlier this year. This one was completely unexpected. It's Catriona.

Catriona. She had seemed ill, so Daddy took her to the vet. Who told us that he was 98% sure she had a disease, I forget its name, but it's usually inherited at birth, and won't show (if it does) for 6 or so years. And it's fatal. There's no cure.

Catriona was a little more than 6 years old, about.

Oh, my baby, my beautiful baby girl..........!!!!

They had to put her down then because the vet said it was highly likely she could die while my parents were away in Chicago, packing me up to come home. Plus, she would suffer needlessly.

My heart hurts. Oh, my heart hurts. When I say I'm crying right now, I am not kidding. This is literally a nightmare come true. I've had dreams where we've lost one or more of the cats, and more than once I've woken up with my face wet from crying in my sleep.

Only this time, I am awake. And it is not a dream.

Though I keep expecting to see her walk down the hallway, or jump on the kitchen stool, to see her on the sofa, can this be real???

Silver has lost his best friend.

Our little Roly-Poly Girl is gone. (She would roll over on her back when she happy.)

She chirped at the birds out the window the most. No more will I hear that.

No more will I hear her sweet little voice when she meowed, her loud purrs, or do her little "trick" (stand up on her hind legs and jump a little)....

No more will I see her warming herself under a lamp in the living room, or in the sunlight.

No more will she bang open a door to "let" herself in, as if to say "I am HERE." Oh, you funny girl...

No more will I hear her funny-and-annoying, loud, she-demon-cat growl when she felt her "bubble" had been intruded upon.

No more petting her silky soft fur, holding her itty-bitty paws...

No more having her eagerly ask to be brushed if she saw the brush be gotten out.

No more little "conversations" with her...

Oh, my God! Why? Why?

For all the wonderful things this past school year has brought, it sure has been a painful one, too. So many things lost...

And now, my sweet little kitty girl! Oh, these tears are bitter indeed. And these words are so inadequate. So inadequate.

I know Jesus and Mary are delighting in you, little girl. I love you and miss you so much, my beautiful baby kitty girl, Catriona. I wish I could at least have said good-bye and hugged you and told you I loved you one last time. It hurts so much that I didn't get to. But I know you know I love you, and that Daddy and Mama do, too. Give Corie and Lloyd my love for me.

I love you forever. And I will miss you so, so much. <3

Lady Catriona Marie Velvet Grey

August 2003- May 4th, 2010

"Nothing of what is is lost. It is not lost to God, nor to us."

~ from the book Grieving With Grace (quote found online by me several months ago)


  1. Oh, love, I'm so sorry.

    It does get better, trust me. You have so many people to share the pain with. Losing a beloved pet is hard, but it does get better, and life goes on.

    8 months after losing my dog, i'm doing quite well. There are nights where I miss her like nothing else, but I remember her with a smile, and move on.

  2. Rachel.
    I don't know quite what to say except I am there with you.

    Recently I also lost my cat. He was an outdoor cat and at this point hasn't been home in weeks. Since easter about.
    We named him after an old cat of mine who we put down when I was 7.
    Both times I cried and wept and had a hole inside of me.

    It hurts I know. I stil hurt..but Im hurting less. And I know you will too. You're strong.

    I really don't know what to say except I know how grieving is after people lose their pets. Its not something everyone understands.
    I love you.
    I probably would have loved your cat.

    She had a good life. She had you.
    I think God saw to it that she had you.

    Sending hugs prayers peace and comfort your way.


  3. Lutestring: Yes. :( a million times over. Thank you for the tears and hearts. <3

    Renae: Yes, it does get better. I've been here before. It still hurts, of course. :P But healing does come. I remember about your dog, and I am also still so sorry for you. :( <3 Thank you for your love and sorrow. <3

    Amy: Oh, Amy dear, I am so sorry to hear he has gone missing. :( I know it doesn't help much, but there is always hope he could return. I've heard many stories of cats or dogs gone for months, even years, when they suddenly find their way back home. I shall pray for his return home.

    You are right in saying not everyone understands. Some people (no one here) can be really insensitive about it. :(

    I love you, too. <3
    Yes, I am sure you would have loved Catriona. And that you would love all our other ones, too. :)

    Aw, thanks so much to say God saw to it that she had us for her family. That means a lot. I don't doubt it...all of our dear kitties were brought to us by God in some way or other.

    Thank you for your love and caring condolences. I can feel the pain you all feel for and with me, and in memory of your lost ones. And your love.

    I love you all, thanks again. <3