there is a hole in my heart now.
You see, when I got home, I was sat down and gently told that one of our cats had to be put down a week ago.
They didn't tell me right away because they didn't want to distract me from my finals or ruin my end-of-the-year fun last week. My parents were right in not telling me until I got home. I would have been a wreck otherwise, unable to do much of anything, enjoy anything, or find motivation to study or finish that paper.
I've already cried and cried and cried. No, it's not Wayne, who was very sick earlier this year. This one was completely unexpected. It's Catriona.
Catriona. She had seemed ill, so Daddy took her to the vet. Who told us that he was 98% sure she had a disease, I forget its name, but it's usually inherited at birth, and won't show (if it does) for 6 or so years. And it's fatal. There's no cure.
Catriona was a little more than 6 years old, about.
Oh, my baby, my beautiful baby girl..........!!!!
They had to put her down then because the vet said it was highly likely she could die while my parents were away in Chicago, packing me up to come home. Plus, she would suffer needlessly.
My heart hurts. Oh, my heart hurts. When I say I'm crying right now, I am not kidding. This is literally a nightmare come true. I've had dreams where we've lost one or more of the cats, and more than once I've woken up with my face wet from crying in my sleep.
Only this time, I am awake. And it is not a dream.
Though I keep expecting to see her walk down the hallway, or jump on the kitchen stool, to see her on the sofa, anywhere...somewhere.................how can this be real???
Silver has lost his best friend.
Our little Roly-Poly Girl is gone. (She would roll over on her back when she happy.)
She chirped at the birds out the window the most. No more will I hear that.
No more will I hear her sweet little voice when she meowed, her loud purrs, or do her little "trick" (stand up on her hind legs and jump a little)....
No more will I see her warming herself under a lamp in the living room, or in the sunlight.
No more will she bang open a door to "let" herself in, as if to say "I am HERE." Oh, you funny girl...
No more will I hear her funny-and-annoying, loud, she-demon-cat growl when she felt her "bubble" had been intruded upon.
No more petting her silky soft fur, holding her itty-bitty paws...
No more having her eagerly ask to be brushed if she saw the brush be gotten out.
No more little "conversations" with her...
Oh, my God! Why? Why?
For all the wonderful things this past school year has brought, it sure has been a painful one, too. So many things lost...
And now, my sweet little kitty girl! Oh, these tears are bitter indeed. And these words are so inadequate. So inadequate.
I know Jesus and Mary are delighting in you, little girl. I love you and miss you so much, my beautiful baby kitty girl, Catriona. I wish I could at least have said good-bye and hugged you and told you I loved you one last time. It hurts so much that I didn't get to. But I know you know I love you, and that Daddy and Mama do, too. Give Corie and Lloyd my love for me.
I love you forever. And I will miss you so, so much. <3
~ from the book Grieving With Grace (quote found online by me several months ago)