Rambling on forever when I should be asleep

Basically, I have only one month of school left. Just one month left of my freshman year of college.

Where the freaking HECK did the year go???????

On one hand, yes, time does feel like it has passed. In a normal fashion.

On the other hand, I feel like I blinked around last July or so and it's now April of the following year.

Excuse me??

sigh.

This is a post for another day, this about time, the passage of time, the rushing around of our post-modern existence (I'm tired of just existing, too), this blinking and literally hours passing.....

what has happened to us? I feel so crazy and un-whole and fragmented. And quite honestly, the one thing that seems to cause, in part, at least, this 'phenomenon', is modern technology.

Anytime I distance myself from the internet, etc, suddenly time slows down.

I feel more alive.

And yet how greatly God has blessed me through the internet! And technology....

sigh. What do You want me to do?

Yes, I know, moderation in all things....

Except perhaps love. One can never love too much.

We've all got a disease
Deficiency of love


Anyway, check this blog out, it's one of my favourites. I love it. :)



Maybe this summer I will write more proper blogs. I don't know. Maybe this summer I will take long extended breaks from being online, and (weather permitting, I hate excessive heat and also sunburn ridiculously quickly) spend more time out in our garden, building up my long-neglected herb garden, start a Mary garden with ma Maman ....

Sew again...if I can remember how, lol, read more books more often, write more physical letters,

spend more time with friends in the flesh,

cook and bake again,


master Thriller for the fall (I will do it! I know I can, I almost did in October) :D


I want to feel more connected to God and the Cosmos again.


I hate feeling sick inside. Like this. Perpetually fatigued. The weight of the world on my small shoulders. I am no Atlas.

I am not Christ, Who bore that weight already so I don't have to, through His Cross. So none of us have to.


Daisy, let it go
Open up your fist
This fallen world
It doesn't hold your interest
It doesn't hold your soul
Daisy, let it go


Pray for me, any and all who read this. I will keep you on my heart and in my prayers, too.


Ad Jesum per Mariam....


and why does my heart hurt like this? What is this strange, nameless pain? Humanity

Wounded and bleeding


I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to know that my heart is still beating
beating
beating
I'm bleeding...



O Jesus, King of Love, I put my trust in thy loving mercy.


Build up trust in me, Lord. Please, grant me this grace.


I've been listening to a band a little bit lately that I haven't much listened to since the summer of 2008.

That was a weird summer.

And feeling those feelings again is weird.

And how epically inadequate are those words to describe it? -___-


I was ... depressed .. that summer.

I saw the world through a bizarrely clear lens. A lens, a prism that clarified some things and horribly distorted others.

The ache was raw and suffocating. Just there. All the time. Sort of dull and sharp at the same time.


I feel weird now. Actually, the word I want to use is queer, as it is the only English word that really fits the feel I mean. Peculiar, strange, bizarre, odd, weird, and so forth don't cut it, and that word has been stolen from me, and I have not been given an adequate replacement.

sigh again.






"How happy I am to see myself imperfect and be in need of God’s mercy."

~ St. Thérèse of Lisieux



And so I end this rambly, sleep-deprived, semi-depressed, stressed-out state-of-mind-written post.